Life
Part I
Window
Where as in light, there is sight; in darkness
are the dreams. Seen. The heart is power.
A force that devours. All 5 senses consuming
space-time. Reality. Reality? Becoming free.
Becoming peace. Release. Drain the tub. Pull
the damn plug. Please for the love of God,
give me a hug. Before you are gone.
This city of millions. With towers of brilliance.
Can there be forgiveness? Can squirrels
climb trees? Wrestle with me. We can find
clearance, clarity in tragedy living in imagined
and literal grief. This life is brief. Milestones and
pathways realizing we are no longer 20yrs old.
Mirrors and reflections of who I am today.
I still feel I am the tenderness, delicateness,
anxiety, & shyness of being 12 years old.
Love that Never Quits
Let my hand trace your face. Let my
eyes find hers. Let my glance turn into
trance. Let me see the shine of your freckled face
and glistening tears, smiling into mine. After you
kissed me for the first time. You wiped mine.
“This is not a dream” you said with confidence. Knowing
all I ever wanted; that all I will ever want
is to be beside you. Not a permanent mental health
patient sitting in the waiting room of
psychotherapy. Let it remind me:
stars in the sky. My feet are on the ground.
Though. Some will fall. One fell into my
arms. I made a wish. To stay alive and
progress. Because I want to meet you. Resisting
suicidal ideation. Making an effort in this
life. Because if I don’t I won’t meet you. Guaranteed.
My tears grow cold. I won’t let go. You guide
my soul. Waiting is taking its toll.
In my family. Love rises. I let myself be
lifted in to you again.
Dancing
Rhythm. Tap. Pause. Breathe. Breathe into me.
I receive your gift. Life. Oxygen. We move
forward. Backward. Side to side. Our hold
is peace. Our knees hugging and our
bodies swaying. Stepping. Rhythmically.
Patience is losing to the words in your eyes.
Asking me. Never let go. Don’t Leave.
The song ends. I haven’t seen you since then.
Smiles and sunlight hair in climbing trees
replaced by pianos and violins. A new
dance. Flight. Flying. Fly across
Chicago skies. Night turning into day. We see
the sunrise. Pause. Our eyes become
the sun. Everywhere we go. Whatever
we see together becomes illuminated memory.
I’ll never forget the expression of the high school
heroin who smiled when I asked her name.
“Hannah.” Echoes. Sound. Resonating in my heart space.
For unending time. Maybe this is why it’s called
the afterlife.
Place of Safety
Rain. Rain in the field. No sun. A haze.
Peaceful. At ease. Loneliness never felt so
intimate. I can breathe. There’s green all around
me. We’re being showered in Earth’s embrace.
Falling clouds.
I won’t leave this. This peace. It’s my well
of safety. Participating in life. Exhausting
pain. Releasing. Falling. Like the rain.
“Headaches”
0 out of 10. Brute force. No cure. Bad tripping.
In distress. Helpless. Need a therapist.
Grinding in my head. Can’t escape. The
weight of dread. Feel like shattered
glass. Cannot surpass the pain.
Lifeline being drained from my arteries
and veins. Heart pumping. Hoping. My life continues.
No tears, no tissues.
No control of the pain.
Let me fall from the sky. My body
become water. Soaking the earth.
Instead of this hurt.
Bedtime
The clouds. My bed. How I long to
lay in them. How I long to feel their grace.
A place I can disappear. Asleep and of no concern
when to wake up. Drift. Drift. Drift. Sky to sky.
Deeper into sleep. Peace. Sleep with a smile.
Wearing white drapes—this is pure living.
It’s relaxation. It’s peace. A quiet mind.
Disconnect from stress. Sleep is all consuming.
Peace. Let me sleep on my cloud. Do not disturb
me.